Tik Tok Tik Tok, it's 2010

So, I haven't been blogging for awhile now, so I will just sum up everything that happened to me in the year of 2009. I still can't believe how fast time flew. And tomorrow, will be a new beginning, a fresh start. But before that, I would just want to reflect back of the events that occurred in 2009. Lets start with my education. Degree, first year ended, 2 more years to go. Learned alot, stressed alot but still suck in terms of results. Not so bad yet not so great either. Once in awhile, after the pressure and stress of the assignments and exams made me tired of studying. But everyone knows that it's just stress talking, and I do feel tired of studying these days. Maybe I realize what is my true calling is....yeah right. Well, enough bout studying, and move on to what I called the highlight of this year. I was in a relationship with my close friend. I thought we would have been amazing together, but I was wrong. We've been through many obstacles by declaring our relationship. It was tough, especially with the ex and her mother. And not to mention of how many people were against it and had their opinions toward our relationship. After being official for only 2 months, we're done. It feels so weird of not talking to her again despite our friendship before this. But who knows, perhaps, we'll be cool for our next meeting. RIP to all the people who died this year including my cousin (refer to recent post). In conclusion, there were so many ups and downs, from participating in Fashion Week for my friend's debut, the return of Aida, to my friend who just left to California and not to mention, gotten into a fight with a former friend. Regardless, I just wanna wish to all my loved ones a very Happy New Year. May Allah bless you people.

Black

You are the bird whose soft wings came
When I cried out at night, waking from sleep.
Cried only with my arms, because your name
Is like a chasm, a thousand long nights deep.

-Rainer Maria Rilke, The Guardian Angel-

I need more to feed my comfort,
give me more, I want the Future,
GaGa, Fashion, Technology, Dance, New York,
More Music, Pop Culture,
I want the Fame,
I can hear You, Can You hear me?
Bullshit,
And I want what we want,
You deserve the Future.

-Lady GaGa-

Tales of Summer Night - Part 1

Summer vacation ended, and I went back to school. Saw all my old friends for the first time in months. But they had changed, it was like they turned into adults. Some were wearing necklaces that boyfriends had given them over the summer, some were busy with their text messages with their girlfriends and even the shy ones were now know how to groom themselves. Many had rings, special rings that they hid from the world with band-aids. And all the people, the ones I used to hang out with all the time, now all have other plans. So, most days, after school, I'd be left all alone, by myself, to my own devices...feeling...I don't know. Then, I saw her, the girl with a lot of video games in her hand. She had a hard time carrying all the video games. She said 'hye' to me. We knew each other for quite a while already. I smiled at her back, thinking to myself, she is such a kid who loves to play video games. But why? What is is about her that I like so much? While looking at her walking away, I saw a video game on the floor. She might have dropped it. That night, while I was checking my facebook account, I've got a nudge on my messenger. She asked, "have you seen my Devil's Geisha?". It must be the video game she dropped just now. I said, "yes." She continued, "would you mind giving it to me tomorrow?" My heart started to pump harder. My thoughts whispered to me, "it's your chance, go ask her out..." Really? Should I? Why not? Seriously why not? I tried not to sound so trying too hard, "the night is still young, why don't I go to your place and just give it to you?" then I stopped my sentence for 10 seconds thinking what to type next, "then we can go get a drink or something....if you don't mind". That's a safe way to conclude my question, I thought. There was a silent pause, actually it was the longest 25 seconds in my entire life. Then finally, she replied, "sure, pick me up in 15 minutes."

Being Happy

I always thought the definition of being happy is the feeling after getting whatever you want... but it's true though. Materialistic stuff, the stuff that cost money can really make you happy. But to my realization, happiness are the things that have always been around you all the time. All the things like your coffee mug, your books and even your favourite games, those little things that seemed unimportant in life but yet gave you the comfort going through it. Sometimes, just drinking a cup of hot chocolate while having conversations with your closed ones, can really put a smile on your face. And that is what I think when you can feel what happiness really like. It is like that feeling where you are so comfortable doing things you enjoy the most without having doubts and insecurities. Well, that's my perspective about being happy, I wouldn't mind listening to other opinions, care to share?

May He Rest in Peace

News don't always come in a good way. After hearing my cousin was missing during his camping trip, I was suprised, but at the same time, I had a feeling that he's already dead. Later that night, I tried to google his name. Then I came across with this particular website stating that the missing body was found. Inalillah; I straight away went to my parents and informed about my cousin's death. The next day, I assumed that the parents knew it as well. But they still want to make sure to see the body first to identify their own son. The body was brought all the way from the United States to KLIA. When I saw a silver coffin, my heart pumped so hard and I just can't bear to see how will the parents react...The press with their cameras are ready to take pictures (they were very disrespectful to the family). After the body has been identifed, it was sent to the mosque near their home to be prayed. The saddest part was, when the parents kissed him on the forehead for the last time. Tears just came out from my eyes while I hold my mum's hand. If I'm already experiencing these emotions, I couldn't imagine how the parents would feel ....it must be hard. After the body was safely burried, I told myself that I could not see him anymore, could not talk to him, even if I wanted to. I regret for the fact that I was never close to him. I regret that I've never had the chance of getting to know him. And I regret that, all this while we could have been be so close because of our same age. May Allah gives you peace, Nublan Zaki Norhadi, amin.

Believe

"We do not believe until we want a thing and feel that we shall die if 'tis not granted to us, and then we kneel and kneel and believe."

-Frances Hodgson Burnett-

When You grow Old

It just seems so nice, once in a while, when we spend our time with our parents, having some quality time with them. And for the old ones, like grandparents, I think they just need someone to talk to, someone who can accompany them, just a certain someone that could be a friend. We all know, when you're old you'll tend to become lonely. And that is something I can see in old people, like my grandmother. And for the reasons that I have stated, I am terrified to become old. I know it's normal to feel that way, even my parents has started to complain for being old and wish that they can relive their younger days. I really feel bad for them, and it strucked my mind that when I'm old one day, am I gonna think the same? Am I gonna feel lonely like my grandmother? Am I gonna regret of the things that I haven't done in my Life when I still possess my youth? It's a fear for me to know that when I'm old, there's nothing else left for me except loneliness and death, when there will always be new things, new sights, new places that haven't yet been explored. We can't foresee the future, but I want to see what will happen to the world and it is unfortunate for those old people whose days are numbered, yet still want to see the world. The sad thing is, they could not if they wanted to.

Words of Wisdom...Yeah rite

"You will never lose by loving,
You will only lose by keeping your feelings to yourself,"

This is the quote that I believed in (well, still believe actually) and I thought by doing this, it can really affect my life, in a good way, by expressing my feelings. But then, comes another quote by stating,

"It is easier to believe than to doubt,"

Hmm, I will have doubts for sure. Bitch, what a rip off, I didn't pay 25 cents for giving me a second thought. Sigh.

More like a Listener

These couple of weeks, like usual, I have been busy with my studies. But I managed to take a rest for a while and tried to keep up with my friends. Ends up, they always talked about how suck their love lives are and keep on complaining about it. I'm the one who always have to listen to their problems, I know they just need someone to talk to, but please, don't push it. Every single day, trust me, am not lying, they will ask me to listen and asking for advice. And the fun didn't stop there, my sister is also having problems with her boyfriend. They always bicker of petty stuff, but I think this time it really reaches the edge of breaking up. But suprise, suprise, my sister will never give up on him. I really don't know what to tell her anymore, since I have never been in a real relationship. Love is something funny and also stupid, when it comes to immature people. It will always break you, yet you still want more of it. With me having the doubts to be in love, I'm just scared that I could never find one. Well, too early of me for saying that, but just having the thoughts to be someone who can understand relationship but never experience one himself, just put the fear in me. Because of this, I would not mind to be the one who's having relationship problems rather than just a listener.

After all Along

I just want to make this short and clear. I feel that I'm not what I think I am anymore. I just realize I have feelings for You all this while. I thought that we're just good as friends but now, I think we'll be 'Great' if we're together. I think You're a funny person and I can really relate myself a lot to You. You can always make me laugh and I've been looking for those qualities in a girl for quite a while now. Too bad that You're already taken, and I regret that I didn't tell You that I do always have feelings for You.

Wishing for the Greatest Things in Life

I wish for Love,
I wish for Understanding,
I wish for Determination,
I wish for Faith,
I wish for Peace,
I wish for Fulfillment,
I wish for Joy,
I wish for Goodness &
I wish for Patience.

No more Searching

I can't believe it, I thought by starting 2009, I could find someone to be in a relationship, instead I think both of the person I'm trying to work out with, stood me out (I'm not sure actually, but it seems like it). I've been talking about this with some of my friends, and they said that ii's all karma. Yeah right....but to think about it, perhaps it's true. In my defense, it is not like I wanted to reject people in the first place, it's just that I just didn't and still don't have any feelings for any of them. And this is different, they've already shown some signs to me, yet they are reluctant to be with me. What is up with that? Anyways, I think I'm giving up. No need to pursue for those people who don't have a future with me...am I right. I'm just tired, and again, so what if I'm single? It's not like it is a bad thing. And I think I should take the advice from a friend of mine, "You won't find Love if You're searching for it, but Love will come to You unexpectedly,". So yeah, I guess I don't need to find Love so soon, and besides I'm still young. Maybe right now, I do come across as a desperate person, but it's not a big deal if You're searching for someone to be happy....yup, to be happy.

Never Underestimate Yourself

You can do all you're dreaming of.
Don't let those little doubts appear;
dismiss them from your mind.
You're so strong and capable;
you're brave and willing, too.
You have so many reasons to succeed,
so much in your favor,
and so much going for you.
Don't minimize your keen abilities
or deprive your dream's of great fulfillment.
Recognize your strengths.
Adopt a positive approach.
Assert you powers of positive thinking.
Stay in control.
Above all, think you can,
believe you can,
and most certainly you will!