The End of 2011

It has been a rough journey going through the semester, not just in terms of my studies, but also my relationships with friends. To balance the importance of both, seemed like an impossible task, but phew, got through them fairly. Praying to God that everything will be good (my results obviously), insyallah. Holidays for three weeks, yay..... yeah am not really looking forward for it since my sleeping cycle just got fucked up to a whole new level. Nocturnal is the accurate word to describe my situation. Christmas around the corner and of course, the year 2012. I don't really believe in new year's resolution (because I'm too immature to acknowledge its significance on my life), but yeah, this coming year is going to be different...yes! It will be! First thing first, gotta find a clipboard to uphold all of my plans for the year coming (I'm a traditional kindda guy), and then...I'll decide later. Hehehe, I may seem reluctant now, but I'm not (how to show your enthusiasm in a post?) , alright am not going to write much further, but I do encourage people to do the same because it seems like the most productive thing to do at the moment, why not right? Wishing everyone a very advanced new year, and hoping that 2012 will be a better year :)

Luck on My Side

I have a dream. I am pretty sure everyone in this world has a dream they want to achieve. But of course there are always obstacles that we have to deal with to get to those dreams. I would say one of the greatest threats would be the element of uncertainty. Damn that word and its definition. As a person of faith, I believe every circumstance has its reasons for happening. Patience for something better is the usual advice or interpretation given by people or what they would tell themselves. I am not going against that belief but sometimes I wonder, how does the feeling of getting what one desires happens in a blink of an eye? Okay, am not that great writing figuratively, but truthfully, I am tired of waiting. When will the time come when God will choose me to be on Lady Luck's side? Before my whining gets on everyone's nerves, I assure that I know what I am talking about. Obviously in order to reach success, we can't just expect it will come rolling in front us without any effort being made. I know, I know, but once in a while, once in a blue moon, or in any rare occasion, I just want luck to fall on my side. Not asking for too much there, I hope. While typing all these words, I just realize that perhaps luck has always been on my side. Here I am sitting on a comfy chair, having a roof on top of me with all of my family living a healthy life. Having what you need around you, never seem like a significant importance in life, but yeah, wow, how God had opened my eyes. Hold up, I still desire for so many things, but for the now, being patient apparently is the right thing to do. Alright, alright, am done talking.

"I'm not happy with what I am,"

"I miss the beautiful things in life. When can I be inspired again?"

I would say the dilemma for this month would be studying hard for my exams. Too be honest, I'm too tired for getting average marks, but yeah yeah I am aware that there's a possibility that I might have not given my best effort yet. It's not like I'm not trying, even when I tried just a little bit harder, its still the same. I don't really want to use my blog as a place where I always put my complaints, but jeez, I'm just not, what's that word, owh yeah, satisfied. I really hate the fact that I'm like just floating around the marking scheme, never the worst one, neither the best one. Gotta be thankful though, for not failing anything so far, insyallah. What should I really do? Not having options for choosing your career path really taking its toll down on me right now. I am starting to feel the pressure, the real world of working and I gotta be frank, I am not ready or prepared. But you know, only time will tell. Approximately, I'll have 1 more year to get my degree, and what then? Am I going to start working like everybody else? Inside an office? Inside cubicles? No, I don't want any of that. Maybe it's just the fear, it could be much better than what I'm expecting.

There's nothing more devastating than a worthless effort.

"People often lose sight of why they're doing something. Ask yourself if it's important - does it make you happy or get you closer to your goal?"

-Liyana Redzuan

22 years ago, I was born, The End.

Choosing What's Best for Us

Choosing of what we want to become in this world is up to our choices, believing what's right and wrong in our own interpretation. Putting thoughts about people's perception towards you will never help you to develop your real potential, especially the negative ones. Living in a community, society or even a group of people could never be that easy, because like it or not, we do rely on their thoughts towards us. And that's the harsh reality of this life. We're trying our best to portray the image that could be accepted by the majority of the population, but I should ask this question, is it worth doing? Doing things or choosing something which is not relevant to our happiness is not really worth doing, am I right? I don't know, I just want everyone to be who they are, not having that exterior to protect their real selves to be shown in the public eye. Being accepted is a need, but being accepted for who you are is just as important that needs to be given full acknowledgement.

There's a fine line between honesty and just plain rude.

"My grandfather used to say good things take time, great things happen all at once."

-Nick Schaffer, Rat Race.

Please don't wait until a sledgehammer falls upon you to make you realize.

Relationships

First thing first, at my age, I don't really find relationship is that important in my life. Give around 4 to 7 years, maybe then I would find it to be an essential, but again for now, no. I know, we all need that special someone where we can share everything, physically, emotionally and spiritually but in this era, people seem to treat and interpret relationship for all the wrong reasons, or maybe, I'm the one with the different perspective in this situation. It has been a while for me to have any interest towards anyone. Somehow, I don't see the the point....yet. I have to admit, I could get a lil' bit lonely sometimes, but I'll get over it and occupy my mind with something that could increase the productivity in my life, like discussing current issues around the world or learning a new language (denial much). Well, some of my friends shared their stories about their relationships, either with their partners or even exes and I gotta say, I find each of their stories galling and it makes me feel like a total ass to underestimate their capabilities to actually make a logical decision making. I don't really like the fact that I kindda am judging them with their choices, but I just don't believe in the idea of staying or reliving the idea on being in relationships that are not healthy and often lead to unhappiness. We are all adults, supposedly we are matured enough to think what is best for us but hey, I guess that "Love is Blind" phrase, unfortunately proved to be true, for some people. To be fair, I can't say much because I'm not in their shoes, but still, that does not justify their idiocy and emotion based actions. Basically, we do not need to search high and low for our significant other, when the time is right, they will come to you. We don't need to dwell in the past because when you know something's not right, confront it and when you know its unfixable, just let go and move on.

Ps: I do wish and pray that I will have a great and a healthy relationship in the future, God's willing.

"I'm sick of optimism, it's fucking exhausting,"

-Annie, Happy Thank You More Please.

Regardless of what you have achieved in life, and you giving your number 1 priority to God, but if your ignorance towards your parents happiness are beyond reasonable, it still could guarantee you in the eternal damnation.

"Did I want too much?"

-Charles Ryder, Brideshead Revisited.

Up until today, discrimination and prejudice are still visible among societies around the world. Although we are living in the modern era where civilization practically shaped our personalities and perceptions to less discriminate, but apparently, I wouldn't see it as a failure but it didn't manage to reach the expectation towards the definition of 'Modern Civilization'. Haven't we learnt anything from history? Do we want certain events like the Holocaust or the KKK to be repeated? As we all know, those historical yet tragic events happened just within 60/70 years ago, not exactly a long time ago and God knows what other discriminative tragedies occurred on the other side of the world during that same time. Can we say that people had evolved or outgrown from these behaviours through time? Maybe yes for some, but of course not for all.

Emotions

It's in human nature that we need someone to confide our problems to. I may not seem like a person with feelings because I rarely show my emotions to people, even those around me. Somehow, I just don't want to share, partially because of my ego, and I guess another part of me thinks that they would not understand. It has pretty much becoming a part of the social norm when it comes to my circle of friends. It kills me to actually know that nobody would acknowledge my feelings anymore when I'm down and dealing with personal issues. I can't really blame them because it was me who wanted this. When it comes to my family, I know they know I'm dealing with all of the problems but apparently, they couldn't say anything. Hey, I may be like a heartless asshole, but I'm still human. I have to admit, these emotional attachments really do affect me, but I just never had the courage to actually say them aloud. I'm pissed with myself for not knowing what could really ease my pain. It's like I'm always complaining and whining yet I'm still not making an effort to actually do something bout it. I'm confused, basically my whole life and I'm not planning to prolong it anymore. Fuck this, I need to turn to God more and of course, cigarettes.

Goals in Life

Sometimes, have you ever wondered that when there's no purpose for living, there's no point of living at all? It's hard when you don't know what are your goals in life, I mean for example, when we were younger, there were certain periods that we will be looking forward to, like finishing high school, getting your driving license, or even graduating. I'm still halfway from getting my degree, but I feel like besides that, my family and God, I feel like I'm losing the interest, my desire, to explore and identifying the beautiful things in life. Maybe I'm just beyond the definition of boredom, to actually trigger my mind with these kind of thoughts. You know when you have nothing to do, and still wondering what to do, but did nothing in the end, yeah that's what I've been experiencing these couple of weeks. Maybe I just need to find something to do to occupy my mind and time, but there are too many distractions for me to finally do something which supposedly to be worthwhile, at the least, with my life. I should just get a grip, because I have to be thankful with what I already have so far in life. Getting more than what I have should be my motivation but it seems like that feeling of 'envy towards other people without effort of doing anything with your own situation' has been dominating my conscience. But no, I just have to shake it off and think more wisely and rationally with the things that matter most to me. It's still a long way to go, but I really hope that I'll pursue my goals to the extend of self actualization to really define what happiness really means to me, God's willing.

"Only unfulfilled love could be romantic,"

- Maria Elena, Vicky Christina Barcelona.

"How could you trust a feeling when it can disappear just like that?"

- Cindy Heller, Blue Valentine.

An Inspiration

Lady Gaga. Just by hearing her name, the first thing that would pop in our heads is the fact she's an eccentric singer with controversial outfits and songs. Regardless of how famous or mainstream people are, its not easy to please everyone in is this world, because there are always those people who has their own opinions against them. Be that as it may, Lady Gaga is still new in the music industry. But the impact she had made towards her fans (also haters) is really big, big enough to inspire them to create a culture, starting a nation and making their priorities to support her. Some people just stereotyped people who are fans of Lady Gaga are devoted 'monsters' that couldn't give in to any bad opinions towards Mother Monster, as if they're controlled by those bullshit signs of Illuminati. But to me, I find her as an inspiration because she's not just a performer, she fights for people's rights, for their self esteem, for people who has been teased, bullied, thrown into a dumpster due to their differences. You don't see many celebrities these days doing the same thing. It's not like I'm bashing to those who are not, but the fact that Lady Gaga is not only doing this for her fans, but also for herself. She doesn't want others to experience what she's been through in the past. It's a pretty ambitious thing to actually try and spread the elements of equality throughout the whole world, but there's nothing wrong to try. She has all her fans to stand up for her, she achieved success in such a short time and she gives back to her beloved fans, literally. Bottom line, I don't really mind what people wanna say about her, all I know she's real and she has a goal. A goal to make the world a better place....it's quite impossible, I must say, but hey, maybe one day.

Losing the Momentum?

I kindda got this feeling about my daily activities these days, well not really, it has been 5 days since I started to feel like this, like, what do I call it? Hmm, like I'm losing my interest in the things I normally enjoy doing. Is it because of my education? or I'm already starting to lose my momentum, my youthful spirit to enjoy things? After thinking for couple of hours last night, I've decided that I need to test these questions about myself. I'm not usually the type of person who conforms with the process of growing up. Regardless of how old I am, I believe that it's not wrong doing things that are not appropriate for my age. So, maybe its the stress, maybe its regarding my self conflicts, but all I know that I need to prove that nothing could stop me doing the things I like. I know one day I will come to my senses realizing these kindda thinking are nothing but distractions to delay me for making a better life for myself. I can't always say that I'm still young, because many of my friends are moving on to their next step in their lives. While I, still thinking to make 'having fun' as my first priority. My conscience always there to give me the doubts of my decision making which I pretty much dislike, but I do know its for the best. We'll just see, I can't control the future, but I could make a choice for not doing something that could jeopardize my future.

Patience

I would say that these days, my level of tolerance is decreasing. People around me, they're my friends, but somehow they are just.....what's the word to describe them? Hmm, yeah, Too Much. But don't get me wrong, I love them, but sometimes I just hope that they are not so ignorant with their actions. I know by suppressing these feelings would just make me more angry but obviously, that's the point of having a personal blog right? We express what we think. So yeah, moving on to the issue right here, Patience. My patience.... it needs to be handled wisely. My only issue here is that I just hate the fact that people already moving on to the next step in their lives while I... I am still stuck here. And the fact that I'm not even happy with what I am doing right now, which is studying Psychology. I don't hate it, I just wish I could do something more with my life rather than oblige to the things around me. I also hope that opportunities would come one day and I could just hold on to it and chase it. Despite of all my frustrations, I do know God has his plans for all humans, and soon my time will come. I just have to wait. I just have to be patient and wait for that glorious day to come. Insyallah.

The purpose of life is not to win.

The purpose of life is to grow and share.

When you come to look back on all that you have done in life, you will get more satisfaction from the pleasure you have brought into other people's lives than you will from the times that you outdid and defeated them.

-Harold Kushner-

Friendships

We all know that friendships come & go, but the best ones always somehow managed to stay the same even though they're somewhere else. I don't usually use my sentiments to make a statement about my relationships with my friends but I guess it's true, I do feel their absences when they're gone. It's pretty hard for me to say this, but I do appreciate my friends very much. They do understand more about me than my family, (I'm not like a rebellious adolescent or something like that) and I do find comfort of telling my personal stuff to them. I know it's cliche' for me to say this and it's even cliche' to say that I know it's cliche', but I don't know if I could ever find people like them again in my life. And yeah I'm still young and it's still quite early of me to say that, but really, if you could see me with them, you would have the same perception or thinking. I really hope my mutual bonds with them would last for a very long time. In conclusion, I Love My Friends and I Hope They will Succeed in Things they want to Achieve in. May Allah SWT bless them in their journey to success.

Curiosity.

It is in our nature to be curious about something, and with the technology these days, its easy to find out things we don't really know (Google). But what about the people who weren't born in this era? Yeah, I'm talking about those times when humanity didn't have a clue or knowledge about the world. Although my friends and I usually talk about crappy stuff most of the time, but somehow we manage to come to a conversation that can really fuck up our minds, or in other words, make us think. Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, these people had their own thinking or perspectives on how the world operates or exist. Their perspectives sometimes could sound pretty crazy, no like real crazy, but when I think about it, they do have some relevant points here and there. It actually got me thinking, humans will always have questions for the things they want to know, but as a Muslim myself, we have been taught that it is not good to be asking too many questions because some things are beyond our ideas and thinking. Sometimes I just don't wanna digest that statement because my curiosities need some clarifications....but I do also know that's not the case here. Sigh, I guess we have to settle with the limited knowledge we can learn or possessed. No big deal actually, just something to think about for the night. Life goes on.

Farewell to one of my favourite characters of all time.

One of things that could help me to get through a bad day is The Office, and yeah am talking about that television show. Well, I started to watch this show last year, where the first season aired 7 years ago. Every time I'm at the DVD shop, I was always tempted to buy their box sets. It took me quite a while to actually buy the first season box set, but I did (obviously). After watching the second episode, I'm totally hooked, and the rest was history. I would say that show inspired and still inspires me with their sense of humour, creative scripts and amazing actors. I just finished watching the latest episode which was the departure of Micheal Scott (Steve Carell). That episode was a great ending to a great legacy established by Micheal. Steve had done such an amazing job for making people to have a good laugh watching him. Although Micheal Scott is a fictional character, he really did make my days so much better. Yeah, I do sound like a big fat loser right now but hey, I'm a fan, the BIGGEST fan, I must say. I really want to have someone like him to work with in the future, but I forgot, I'm living in one of the shallowest country on earth, hence, things like these don't happen often. Enough with that, this post is dedicated to honour him, the Great Micheal Scott and wishing him the best of luck living in Colorado.

It's been a while, because of Twitter.

Wow, the last time I posted something, was like a year ago. I guess I got carried away by expressing myself on Twitter, but Twitter seriously has become so over rated. And I also don't really 'feel' much of feelings on Twitter, if you know what I mean. So I guess this is it, I think I'm gonna continue to pour my feelings in my very own blog again. It's 4am, and I'm feeling quite emotional, so yeah, shut up.